5th semester exams

It's Wednesday night here, and it's exam period for me. Starts next monday actually, so that leaves... zomg 5 more days. Eep >_<

But I'm okay, I think... I'm slightly behind studying schedule but I think I'm okay. Never mind... go by faith XP

Lots of buts in the previous statement. Anyhow, I'll still be on MSN, but mostly busy status. And, if I'm happily chatting with you as if I've got no exams, do remind me by giving me that friendly nudge to hit the books. (Actually, I don't have any books. All the notes are in the computer itself XD)

23rd Birthday report

It's been almost a week since my birthday was over. It was different from other birthdays I've ever had. I was swamped with SMS... you guys depleted my handphone battery in one day, lol. Not really complaning but, I didn't expect it.. Thx XD. Just want to acknowledge those who did wish me a Happy birthday or some other similar greeting.

Dad. May seem trivial, but he is beginning to use utilising technology;
Wesley Chong from CHR;

Benjamin, Farhan, Hongwen from WDL (Blast from the past lol!);
Hanming, Junquan from SAJC (Blast from the... not so past? :P);
Seow Junjie, PQ from army/current NUS;
Sky, Kailing, Aini from NUS SOW 05 Batman;

Sien, Sarah Teo from NUS VCF;

Elena, Nicholas, Suzanne, Esther, Xinyi, Vincent Wang, Wenzheng, Christina who greeted me with the SMS-es and email greeting cards.
Linfeng, Dallas, Elena, Suzanne, Weiting, Thomas, Alvin, Jackson, Royston, Samuel, Guorong and Vincent Teo who came later (in sitting order at the dinner buffet). Thanks for the dinner treat and the sneakers... :D

And last but not least my bro Silverfox. :) Thx for the chat.

I hope I didn't leave anyone out. Thanks all once again.

2nd post for today

Yeah, to make up for the past 2 months of not blogging. No lah... just totally different topic, apart from boring studies that's all.

So, apart from mugging for reports ever so often, what have I been up to?

A quick line up:
- I took my 2nd non-ICT IPPT (fitness test thingy as I'm still under the country's National service obligations). Failed. Saw Singapore Idol Season 1 runner up Sylvester Sim waiting for RT. :P

- Cell group and church has treated me kindly, although I haven't been exactly returning the favours well.

- MSN chats have died down significantly, and it's not just because I've been busy too. Some friends have gotten new jobs and can't be on the Net too often now. Another has gotten busier lately. The ppl over in UK are still as difficult to reach becasue of timezones. Mundane-ness of life taking over another. NCH is in NS and another has got a bad Net connection and not forgetting to mention he's always itching to play Maple Story whenever he comes online. I ahte to admit it but I'm starting to miss the company on the Net. It was fun before life started to drag us back into it again.

- Toys wise, collection still growing, very slowly but still growing. Still scouting for toys, esp Toys R Us for any updates to their inventory. A couple of nights ago, I suddenly had the urge to fill my bed up with toys again. And so I did, filled up with 5 beach balls of varying sizes, my shark, sealion and big black whale. Madness.

One of my cell group mates asked me this question last Saturday, and now have to wreck my brain to come up with an answer. But I seriously doubt I'll ever find the answer. I live too carefree a life already. Maybe becasue I'm too sheltered in this studying lifestyle, no worries just being in school at the right time, completing assignments and reports. Nothing really to challenge or require me to make a major decision etc. I'm kinda impartial to live this sort of life, other ppl telling me what to do *grinz*. I don't mind it, but it does get a little mundane, after a while, then it would be time to get a little spontaneous and try out something I never tried before, especially toy-wise. Like piccies... ^^

I'm actually at the NUS computer lab typing this out, when I actually brought other things to work on, but lost the mood to do them. XP... Oh well. Oh yes, just now after an impromptu tutorial, I went to the new built Vivo City to have a look see. They opened another Toys R Us outlet there. And I agree that place is huge. But I find something odd. The shops are given one whole big chunk of square space. I'm more used to narrow shops with things lined up at the ends and maybe a middle aisle. But in Vivo City is just open space, the shops have with lots and lots of aisles in the middle as how the owners wants it, or it's just empty space in the middle. They say inside there's space for 300 shops. I dunnoe, looks less than that to me, all I know that the shop space is very big.

Gee... I actually scarificed my sleep to actually go out for a walk, and now am feeling very sleepy as I type this out. Think I'll stop here for now before I start to sound even more incoherent.

And looking forward to you coming over a visit, you know who you are... even though it's just before my exams... :P

Mid 5th semester thoughts

Oops, suddenly realised how long I never update this already. Partially thanks to my brother, Silverfox :P. He said he'll never update his blog anymore. Oh well *shrugs*

Righty then... as usual I'm taking 5 modules. 3 Chemistry and 2 Material Science modules.

Advance Experts in Analy/ Phy Chemistry - A module by itself and in a nutshell, up to 8 possible hours in the laborotary just on a Monday.... literally 9-5. I know for somw people, thye would consider this module I'm doing as madness. But seriously, I don't mind doing this forever (like as a job in the future sort of thingy). The good thing is that that typically I would leave around 2pm latest, unless I screwed experiment was screwed up. The downside: I'm really not too fond of these 2 areas of chemistry... requires a different sort of BS-ing in the report writing. Also, this module has a final exam, nobody knows what stuff they'll test on. It's open book though, but nevertheless, the examiners can really test us on anything. Awesome~

Organometallics - Chemistry module with a lecturer from Hong Kong. He can make the most corniest of jokes. Stephen Chow (HK comedian) must have rubbed off him lots. It's relatively all right. Lots of reactions to remember for an inorganic chemistry module, but nevertheless still an inorganic module (read: module to practise BS-ing) :P

Organic Synthesis and Spectroscopy - Probably the only pure Chemistry module has focus on a favourite topic of mine in one part of the module - polymers. ^^ I've always wanted to study more about the stuff my toys are made of, and am happy to learn whatever that's being taught. Downside: the other part of the modules that just the same old stuff coming back to haunt me... enolate chemistry, a little bit of mechanisms, oxidation, reduction, NMR spectro etc

Introduction to Structure of Materials - Material Science module. This module is .......... I really don't know how to describe this module. The lecturer is just plain bad. Half the time, the students taking this module have no idea what in the world is going on. Nothing else much to say for this module, am doing it because it's a compulsory requirement for my minor. Just gotten my test back, and apparently, he marked it quite leniently. Got a 70/100. Average was a 79.something. So this module is one of those that hangs in the balance. *shrugs*

Thermodynamics and Phase Diagrams - the other Mat Sci module. Why wasn't this module offered before I took any of the physical chemistry modules? Argh!~ It makes learning physical chemistry so much more easier if the department actually took on his approach. Anyway, for me, this module is more like revision as I already know most of the concepts taught in this module. Just that I have to learn a bit more math to tackle the problem, no biggie on that. I catch up quick.... I think.

New beginnings

It's almost 10pm while I type this. And I've finished the first day of the new semester in the university. I'm currently doing my third year btw. Today's relatively okay, 4 hours of back to back Chemistry lectures, 2 hours each. And I must say, going back again to study after 3 months is quite tiring. Yeah, I'm a tired and sleepy dragon. I miss those afternoon naps... >_>

My room has been cleared a bit. I still haven't touched my toys. the mess from the cupboard has been cleared and placed back in the same cupboard, but I did throw out some things though. Last semester stuff has also been cleared a bit. I'm going to try to clear more before this week is over.

Oh yeah, I forgot... sleeeeeeeppp.

Messy thoughts

I was never good at writing titles. A lot of times I find them a hassle to fill in.

Anyhow, on with my post. I think many of you can tell I'm a procrastinator especially with my blog. Let's see... updates.

My entire house has been repainted, not one part of the house is single coloured now. My room has 3 colours - light green, white with a slight hint of blue and yellow (What?! yellow for a guy's room?! *shrugs*) Oh well... looks nice :) It was blue previously by the way. Along with the renovations, I've decided to do a little spring cleaning too. And now, with my procrastination, my room is cluttered with stuff from the spring cleaning. I'm still deciding on what stuff to throw out, what to keep plus the cluttter I've accumulated since the past year in the university. Bottom line, lots of stuff makes for a very messy room.

Another good that has come out from this renovation is that Dad decided to clear out some stuff he thinks he doesn't need anymore. What this means to me is that I've now doubled the storage space for my toys ^^. He gave me the cupboard beside mine to store more stuff. I needed this space badly becuase my original cupboard was already full.

Another thing would be I officially have my very own alternate character. Mostly for role-play, fun stuffs. My brother over in Miri, Malaysia help me create it. Anyway, I'm a dragon, vinyl and inflatable too. I have got 5 different interchangable forms too. First is a pure white dragon with wings, second is an earth form complete with spikes, third is a water form with fins and gills, fourth is a fire form with kickass tatoos and the last is a poison form complete with detachable claws. Props to my bro for coming up with the designs because I actually didn't give him anything to work on, it was fully his own inspiration. I can't say that I've got a favourite, the fire and poison forms are so bad-ass *grinz*, I've got a bias towards the earth form, but the original and water forms is what I'll use the most often I think since they look so cute :D.

Oh, after 1 month, after the finale event, I left the temp job. Surpringly, I didn't know how much media attention it garnered. Oh well, so much for experience. 'nuff said.

Lastly, school's gonna start in a week. It sucks. After 3 months of slacking off, here I am thinking I have to go back to school again. Basically, I'm not prepared, meh. Want to get rid of as much clutter as possible, sorta like starting afresh again. Maybe tomorrow... hmm... Memories, studies, and toys, all packed away. I'll be happy to see a relatively empty room again. :)

Well, that all for now. Until the next time... *squeak* (byeeee)

Thoughts and a blatant Christian plug

1 Corinthians 13:1-2

“If I speak in the tongues of men… but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I… can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge… but have not love, I am nothing.”

The following are thoughts about stuff after having several conversations I have had with my Net friends. You know who you are. The above verse was taken from the Bible and it will encompass most of the entry.

First of all, I want to say that with love and knowledge, there must be action that succeeds it. There is no point in having lots of head knowledge, but nothing is still done about it. It may be tough trying to follow the right path, but I want to encourage you that it will all be worth it at the end of the struggle.

Secondly, I think by having knowledge, one also needs to act responsibly. I suppose after coming out from the army, I’ve learnt several things in regards to information. There are various security levels across the board on who is able to access different types of information. And even so, not one single person will even see all the information there is out there. I think one of the reasons, even though it might not be the primary one, is to protect others from having otherwise passed useless information. I admit that I personally am a curious person and like to be in the know about things around me and my friends. But, I choose what sort of information comes out from me, mostly it’s because I’ve been entrusted in keeping it private, or maybe because, the other party asking doesn’t really need to know. It wouldn’t make a difference if I told the person or not. But, then again, much evaluation must go into whether or not, the person would be at a disadvantage when he is not told of certain things. I think (and I do hope that I did) that everything I say, or not say, would have a reason behind it. Also, I want to request if there was something I do not want to say, that there was a reason behind it, and trust me enough for not revealing that info to the person that asks it.

This brings me onto the next point. Another recent conversation I had with yet another friend was about openly revealing a secret that I thought I would be able to keep from him until such a time I would be able to surprise him. At the end of the conversation, I typed something that went like “in this time and age where we spend so much time of our lives on the computer (information age), a tangible gift becomes ever more so precious”. I have had the privilege of being on the receiving end when gifts were sent to me. It touched me deeply. I wished I could express the elation much better, but my vocabulary fails me. I think what makes an ultimate gift is this: Given not because of merit, not because the person deserved it, it’s all about giving just because. Or if there’s a slightest reason it’s because of a simple reason as “You are my friend”. Then, after all of that, when the gift arrives into the recipient’s hands, with no expectation at all the gift was being sent, that, makes it so much more satisfying.
While I laid on my bed after the conversation ended, I was somehow reminded that this was exactly what Jesus did by dying on the cross for us. He died simply because He loved us so much, not because we deserved it, but it was His gift to us. That thought put a smile on my face and I drifted off to sleep not long after.

Well, I hope you did enjoy the read. Comments are appreciated. And umm, I will be away for a while, as soon as you are reading this, will only be back a few days later. Therefore, I won’t be able to access the Net for the next few days. So I hope you guys take care while I’m away.

Long awaited update

Lol... I just love the irony, I just decided to update my blogspot blog, I remembered my password but I forgot my user ID. I'm also updating from the office and not at home, since my home computer remembered both entries... *shrugs* XD. Anyway, here goes.

First, a summary of my previous semester. I managed to survive it, but only with the help of God. One of the most hectic periods of time ever (explanations can be found in my previous post). It's actually amazing I managed to not go crazy. Schedules were so hectic. As for the results, I got 2 Bs and 2 B-s out of it, and I did another module but I only had to pass it, which I did.

Church: Cell group wise, an initiative has been started where some of us start to get know each other better, since our cell group is huge. And I think I've been inducted to this small group which I know as the impromptu going out group.
I've also become even more busier now. Strange I didn't mention this earlier but I've been partially inducted into the sound ministry. As such, I'm somewhat part of the sound core. I'm heading a team of 3, all of which are in the core group itself. *rolls eyes* not that that is a bad thing either. Anyway, I'm can never be too particular about such matters anyway.

Work (?!!): Yeah, you might be thinking why I'm working when I'm still a student. Well, basically, Mum wanted me to get out of the house during the school holidays. This job that I'm at, only reason why I'm carrying on is because my boss (Esther) is nice. Otherwise, there isn't any other incentive. I'm only getting $25 a day for a 9-5 job. The pay's disgusting. My sub-boss, who I get my tasks come from, let's just say she doesn't know how to work my character sort of people (For those that did DISC, she's an I, and I'm a C... battle's brewing) okay, enough of bitching about her. :P
Anyway, about this job I'm taking. This company I'm working for, is this non-profit organization that was set up to deal with bullying among children and youth, and has organised this upcoming international conference to talk about such issues and how to solve them.
Where to do I fit into all this you might ask. When I first started off, I was compiling this survey from school (read: data entry). Each survey alone had like 50+ different type of entries to be keyed into the system. (initial software sux btw, reverted back to excel after compiling the info xD) It was kinda fun because there were certain sections which they had some free response. A lot of answers were amusing because either they didn't make sense like not answering the question, they were errors in some words and had to try to figure out what they were trying to mean, or some of those well thought out answers that you never thought would come out from these kids.
Right now, I'm in charge of the registration and payment for the conference. This admin thing has to be updated once in a while so there's never a dull moment too.

More importantly, it feels like school hasn't ended for me. Here I am, again feeling I have to be on my toes everytime, and I can't let down my guard ever. My chats with my dear (I really mean it) friends online are still suffering. There are times I wish to just be in front of the computer chatting the whole day again XD. Also, there's lots of stuff I planned to do during the holidays, that hasn't been touched yet. I'm sleep deprived *rolls eyes*... then again, I'm always sleep deprived XP. Right now, I can't wait for the conference to end on Tuesday, then it's goodbye b*tches and bullsh*t (read: I never really believed in the aim the company was working towards anyway) At least I have an idea what sort of working environment I do NOT want to have in the future.

Part 2 in the works. I think there's more to write on.... Have to think about it, I'm sure there more to pen down. okay okay, type down, you happy now?


NB to readers: (*rant alert* - BEST LEFT IGNORED)

PS. Jaslin, you want to borrow my Mum's "da chang jin", well you can go and !@#$%^&*() (best left censored), you wait long long before I lend you ar for treating me like I'm some kind of slave to you at work. Hypocrite and Two-faced ... Poooooi. Good riddance to you when the conference end. :P

Stressed... Trapped

Yeah yeah I know it’s been 2 months since I last updated this blog of mine… so sue me already. Lol

Let’s see, since the last time I last updated, the semester is now in full swing with me and my studies. In the first part of my semester, I thought I did okay. Maybe a bit of screwups here and there, but nothing major. Luck’s somewhat improved too, I think… I managed to change that tutorial I was talking about previously to a better time slot. :)

Regarding Japanese, I’ve haven’t missed a test once before and I don’t think that’ll be a problem as long as I keep waking up at the correct time, so no problem there. There are these little quizzes that come ever so often during the Jap tutorials, which I don’t put much effort in. My grades there are like so-so, I have yet to fail one though… me thinks… but then again I’m not doing exceptionally well on them either. I think I did okay on my mid-term exam too. So that’s Jap for you.

Here’s the down side: it’s because I’ve been focusing so much time on my Jap, I’ve more or less entirely neglected my core modules, namely Chemistry, which sucks in itself because I’m supposed to be a Chem major for crying out loud.

CM2132 - Physical Chemistry status: Bad overall, tests are bad, barely making it through tests, failed miserably for my mid-term test. I haven’t got a clue how to apply stuff.
CM2142 – Analytical Chemistry status: Clueless… in both ways, I’ve skipped 3 of her lectures already, not too sure what’s going on in class now. The major mid semester test is coming up fast and I’ve haven’t studied for it yet. The tutorials are entirely based from what I know and learnt from previous lessons. Another thing is that I think this module is meant to be a scoring module, but I’m just not motivated to do anything about it.
CM2111 - Inorganic Chemistry status: I got 32/35 for my first test. As for the second test, I would literally describe it as “crash and burn”. And I’m not just talking about just failing by a few marks either. And guess what, I just got an email from my prof to go for a tutorial on Saturday because he singled me out as one of the failures of the test.

The final module is called Making Sense of Society. Don’t get me started on describing it. All I wanna say is that it’s a bitch and I’m glad that I declared that I did not want to it to be graded.

Yeah, just by looking at the above description, I’m really not doing well this semester. After receiving the email from my prof, I finally think I really wanna do something about it. But… it’s tough. How tough you might ask, because after all it’s relative.
At this point in time, I basically declare myself to have no life. Previously, I used to have lots of time chatting with you guys that are probably reading this right now. But, my modules this semester have snatched that away from me completely. All I get now is probably no more than 30 mins of online time. I really like spending time talking to everyone of you guys lots and this shortened amount of time doesn’t cut it. Another thing is energy, there are times I try to stay on just a bit longer just to chat with some ppl, and I suffer physically for it. Nowadays, I don’t stay on MSN for more than 15 mins because I’m just dead tired to do so. Sometimes, I doze off during lectures too. I feel I need more sleep, and for that, another reason why I cut back on chatting time.
Now, the consequence. I’m beginning to feel apathetic about everything around me. Here I am in this vicious cycle of waking up, go school, come back from school, do homework and sleep almost every day. There’s no more room for caring for those I care for anymore. I read about their life on LJ and I feel compelled to be there for them. But then again, I don’t have the luxury of having time to do so anymore. It’s really drudgery to continue on like this. I can’t even describe how badly I want to break out of this cycle and do the things I enjoy doing like chatting. Right now, I feel like a robot doing the same old same old. I want to be there for people again.

Is this a plea for help? I dunnoe. I’m just feeling so alone now. It’s bad, I don’t even find any enjoyment in hugging my toys now too… :(

New year, new semester

Wow, what can I say... it's exactly as I feared when I mentioned that I wouldn't have a proper break during the holidays.

Let's see, where shall we begin?
Timetable's a mess because I didn't plan it properly. First off, I bidded for Japanese 1, a basic course in Japanese. Little did I realise that it would require 7 hours of lessons per week (2-2-2-1). Yay for me! In another words, as a Science student, I have to squeeze my tutorials in between some odd timing. (FYI, I have a 7 hour straight laboratory class every week too) And guess what, my lecturer told everyone of us that the first 10 mins of each 2-hour tutorial would be a test, so if I'm late, no marks for me. Bad for me too because I have a feeling I have to put one of the timeslots during a 8-10am slot. Puh...
Second, did I mention before that I wasn't prepared to start off this new semester? Anyway, yeah, so I didn't really bother to pay attention to what my lecturer had to say. Analytical Chemistry, a core module I have to take. On Monday, she told every one of us that tutorial bidding would begin on the next day. And, yes, I didn't pay attention to that. I just went to register for it on Thursday, and there was only 1 slot that was available for me... the down side to that class is that I'll have to wait for 6 hours for the next lesson...

What else? Mechanical pencil has completely broke (embarrassing myself trying to fix it next to this girl beside who is like wondering at all the funny actions I'm trying to do), I lost my concession public transport pass, umm... failed my first test of the semester, and there's no sign of the rain ever letting up. Starting to feel distant from my online friends (all except Reinhardt and Silverfox5213). A loved one was just admitted to hospital on Tuesday for observation too.

But... NOOOOOOOOooooo!!!! I'm not trying letting all of these get me down. No way nuh-uh, NEV-AH :p (*turns around* You better stay the hell away from me you... you bad luck invisible-thingy you)
Yeah, my positivity isn't going to last very long if this keeps up. This isn't the first time that when bad things (empahasises on the plural) happen, they rush in like they assume I'm immune to it or something. Right now, I'm super 'sian' (think taking a bit of disappointment, boredom and depression of each and putting them together). I'm so tempted to 'sa jiao' (think whining in a bitching sort of way) but I won't... must keep sane >_>.

Well, ending on a good note,
1) a tiger (3rd one now) has arrived and NCH asked me to keep it. :D
2) an 1985 classic Intex orca was given to me by my M'sian other online brother Fox (same fella I mentioned above)... thank you so much once again *glomps*. Can't thank you enough really. :DD
3) A Merek dragon has arrived in Singapore and is now in his possession. :DDD

Well, hmm.. yeah... *smugs*

Feelings now

For starters, it's been quite a relief that December 2005 is over given the hectic schedule that I posted 2 entries before. So... more time to blog, Yay! :P

Secondly, as I write this, I have somewhat officially left TDF. I would like to think that a lot of people was concerned for me when I left that place. But I won't post the reasons here why I left TDF though since I do know that some people reading this do come from TDF themselves. Nevertheless, I do still keep in contact with most of them via MSN/Yahoo Messenger.

Thirdly, as for making more friends in terms of church/cell group wise, I suppose December 2005 was quite helpful for me. There were 3 major events: Tanglin Halt Camp, Youth Camp and Christmas service. In regards to the Tanglin Halt camp and the youth camp, I decided to come out of my shell I've been hiding in for 5 years and mingle around with other people from church. I got to know more people and also felt like I've been an encouragement to those that attended those 2 camps. From the Youth Camp, I suppose my relationship with God has been taken to another level. The camp in particular help me learn to take risks, especially in terms of prayer. As for the Christmas service, I was put in publicity and worked with Guorong and Xinyi from M'kk closely. I guess through the experience, I had gotten to know 2 more ppl from my cell group better.
But, more importantly, I guess these 3 events helped me change my whole perspective about my role as a Christian in the body of Christ. That indeed I too can play as big a role as I when I was back in TDF, it was just a matter of making that choice. Hmm... as for the previous issue of finding security in a non-Christian environment or otherwise, I don't think I've resolved that yet. The whole spontaneity issue come to play again. Right now, there's no preference who I'd rather be with. I welcome every friend with open arms.

Next up is something I want to get off my chest. Last month marked the 1 year anniversary since NCH and I got to know each other. We've done some stuff together, mostly related to our common hobby of collecting inflatables. And when he was about to enlist, I was simply just being there for him to give him support and stuff. Then this SMS came in on my handphone 26 Dec 2005 23:52:13
"Smyle, I just really want to tell you that you are my only closest friend to know...(cut short)" Honestly, I was stunned speechless after I received that. Personally, I didn't feel like I had done a lot for him. I guess after this, I've realized the power of friendship once again. One that I lost my belief in when I was much younger.

Lastly, I caught Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe. I really enjoyed the show. But there's one character in the movie I want to point out - Susan. As the story develops, Susan's character is shown to be one that is not a risk taker, instead she pretty much relies on circumstances and consequences around her that affects her decision. Although that may not necessarily be a bad thing altogether, it impairs her totally when called forth to make a major decision. My eyes were affixed on her character, simply because I see so much of myself in her. And I think I'd do exactly the same things as her just because there's too much risks in front of me, to the point of discouraging someone who wants to press on further (cf Peter). I'd be safe in making that decision, but I'd miss out on an adventure of a lifetime.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it'd be better for me to work in a group. I guess sometimes, I will need that someone who will encourage me to continue in whatever that I'm doing, especially when it seems like the road ahead of me is unknown or filled with obstacles.
Strangely enough, this isn't the first time I've asked myself this question. I started it ever since I started watching Digimon Adventure (Season 1). Yamato (or Matt... >_>) had the same character/problems, while Taichi (Tai) was the one who had courage to press on despite the bleak road in front of him.

Wow... long post huh? Thanks for reading whoever you are. Yeah... these are some of my thoughts now.

Feelings then (back on 6/10/2005)... bit messy

*sigh* I can't believe I started thinking on those heart issues again. As a C person I'm not supposed to think so much. I should have put a sock in it when I started to talk to Grace about CG and stuff. It had me think about what I treasure and where my priorities are. Then, she went on and asked the ultimate question: How's my spiritual walk?

That's it man... think think think.

This is what I came up with:
I didn't realise how much inflatables really took up in my life and not so much God. I mean previously, I was constantly walking into walls as I tried to explain to others about my hobby. But, during the end of JC, I finally made up my mind to start to open up to the Yahoo groups. And look where it led me: TDF(Toy Dragon Forum) and the ppl in there. Everyday after school, I would get back home and go on MSN, guess what, the only ppl that talked to me everyday are the TDF-ers. At least one will strike up a chat without fail.

Maybe, it's the availability of MSN and the Internet that somehow have made me have easy access to my inflatable friends. And since my Christian friends have me on MSN too and they don't initiate conversations, I don't seem to bother too. Christian friends! By right, I should be talking with them more often, after all it's supposed to be more healthy! *shrugs* Oh well, I can't really blame them though, the M'kk ppl don't use MSN often. Yeah... messed up.

It's kinda weird too, but grateful. All this time, God has been looking out for me, showing me stuff and revealing more of Himself to me. So in a sense, I don't think I feel my walk with God has been compromised. The basics are still there, I still love Him (I really do, *wants to give Him hugs at times ^^*), I try not to sin and let him down, and he's been speaking to me and stuff, but I do sense He wants more from me. Ironically, he has given me so much motivation to press in further, but I'm not grabbing it. I think it's just me. What's wrong with me?! I've got a good thing going for me and I'm just not grabbing it.

During my conversation with Grace, I finally realised why I was so hesistant about committing to CG. I didn't feel committed because there was no genuine concern. I mean, reflecting from what I said above, it's true that each time I came home, there was always somebody to talk to. I gave a bit, and got back a lot in return, both tangible and intangible. There's the same sense of reciprocation there from that time I went to join Science Orientation Week. Interaction. Heh... it's funny. Heck, I don't even know whether these guys are genuine since I have yet to meet them in real life. Ironically, I'm willing to give up my time and energy for them.

I told Grace that I was only started to open to my own cell group M'kkadesh about my life, and adding one more CG is a lot to handle. Before that, my whole 17 years as a Christian, I wasn't really thinking about it that much about having to be accountable to others. In fact, I would say all these while, I haven't found anybody to be accountable to Christian wise. And guess what, here I am being accountable to this forum, most of them non-Christians. Messed up? I don't know.

After thinking about it, I realised another thing about myself. When I meet a new group of ppl, I try to open up. If I feel ignored, I don't think about it too much and just 'go on with my life', and play by ear for the rest of my time I will know them for. It just ends there. I don't bother to actually ask people how they're doing, or show care to be more exact, anymore. The TDF-ers have really given me a reason to be online every single time I'm free, even a simple hi will do since I know they're busy, yet still fully aware that I'll have a good conversation with them in the near future.

Perhaps on a more selfish note, I really think I need to be pushed along in a friend manner. After more reflection, I realized that I've been doing it all along, even through the way I lead. Yes, they are many occasions where I don't get back anything in return, but it's ok, at least I've tried. Again back to the TDF-ers, it's probably because of them that have caused my knowledge and amount of inflatables to keep growing, and also because I see them at every available chance I get. Perhaps, if my Christian peers could have given me something similar, the constant push and prodding, just maybe I would learn to look forward to knowing God even more.

Ultimately, I think it's messed up that I started off being close to what others brand as 'wrong people' since not all of them are Christians to begin with. I really do not want to impose on anyone. I know I didn't impose anything on the TDF-ers, but they just gave me back so much. That is what makes me think their care and concern is genuine. I feel a sense of belonging there compared to any Christian community I've come across.

I also figured, I guess that too is probably an excuse why I haven't been leading anyone to Christ. Time and again, I've heard stories of ppl leaving church because they don't feel belonged. I don't want the new Christian to be left like a fish out of water and nobody to guide them CONSTANTLY, and I don't want to be the only person doing it either.