Feelings then (back on 6/10/2005)... bit messy

*sigh* I can't believe I started thinking on those heart issues again. As a C person I'm not supposed to think so much. I should have put a sock in it when I started to talk to Grace about CG and stuff. It had me think about what I treasure and where my priorities are. Then, she went on and asked the ultimate question: How's my spiritual walk?

That's it man... think think think.

This is what I came up with:
I didn't realise how much inflatables really took up in my life and not so much God. I mean previously, I was constantly walking into walls as I tried to explain to others about my hobby. But, during the end of JC, I finally made up my mind to start to open up to the Yahoo groups. And look where it led me: TDF(Toy Dragon Forum) and the ppl in there. Everyday after school, I would get back home and go on MSN, guess what, the only ppl that talked to me everyday are the TDF-ers. At least one will strike up a chat without fail.

Maybe, it's the availability of MSN and the Internet that somehow have made me have easy access to my inflatable friends. And since my Christian friends have me on MSN too and they don't initiate conversations, I don't seem to bother too. Christian friends! By right, I should be talking with them more often, after all it's supposed to be more healthy! *shrugs* Oh well, I can't really blame them though, the M'kk ppl don't use MSN often. Yeah... messed up.

It's kinda weird too, but grateful. All this time, God has been looking out for me, showing me stuff and revealing more of Himself to me. So in a sense, I don't think I feel my walk with God has been compromised. The basics are still there, I still love Him (I really do, *wants to give Him hugs at times ^^*), I try not to sin and let him down, and he's been speaking to me and stuff, but I do sense He wants more from me. Ironically, he has given me so much motivation to press in further, but I'm not grabbing it. I think it's just me. What's wrong with me?! I've got a good thing going for me and I'm just not grabbing it.

During my conversation with Grace, I finally realised why I was so hesistant about committing to CG. I didn't feel committed because there was no genuine concern. I mean, reflecting from what I said above, it's true that each time I came home, there was always somebody to talk to. I gave a bit, and got back a lot in return, both tangible and intangible. There's the same sense of reciprocation there from that time I went to join Science Orientation Week. Interaction. Heh... it's funny. Heck, I don't even know whether these guys are genuine since I have yet to meet them in real life. Ironically, I'm willing to give up my time and energy for them.

I told Grace that I was only started to open to my own cell group M'kkadesh about my life, and adding one more CG is a lot to handle. Before that, my whole 17 years as a Christian, I wasn't really thinking about it that much about having to be accountable to others. In fact, I would say all these while, I haven't found anybody to be accountable to Christian wise. And guess what, here I am being accountable to this forum, most of them non-Christians. Messed up? I don't know.

After thinking about it, I realised another thing about myself. When I meet a new group of ppl, I try to open up. If I feel ignored, I don't think about it too much and just 'go on with my life', and play by ear for the rest of my time I will know them for. It just ends there. I don't bother to actually ask people how they're doing, or show care to be more exact, anymore. The TDF-ers have really given me a reason to be online every single time I'm free, even a simple hi will do since I know they're busy, yet still fully aware that I'll have a good conversation with them in the near future.

Perhaps on a more selfish note, I really think I need to be pushed along in a friend manner. After more reflection, I realized that I've been doing it all along, even through the way I lead. Yes, they are many occasions where I don't get back anything in return, but it's ok, at least I've tried. Again back to the TDF-ers, it's probably because of them that have caused my knowledge and amount of inflatables to keep growing, and also because I see them at every available chance I get. Perhaps, if my Christian peers could have given me something similar, the constant push and prodding, just maybe I would learn to look forward to knowing God even more.

Ultimately, I think it's messed up that I started off being close to what others brand as 'wrong people' since not all of them are Christians to begin with. I really do not want to impose on anyone. I know I didn't impose anything on the TDF-ers, but they just gave me back so much. That is what makes me think their care and concern is genuine. I feel a sense of belonging there compared to any Christian community I've come across.

I also figured, I guess that too is probably an excuse why I haven't been leading anyone to Christ. Time and again, I've heard stories of ppl leaving church because they don't feel belonged. I don't want the new Christian to be left like a fish out of water and nobody to guide them CONSTANTLY, and I don't want to be the only person doing it either.