Wow, what can I say... it's exactly as I feared when I mentioned that I wouldn't have a proper break during the holidays.
Let's see, where shall we begin?
Timetable's a mess because I didn't plan it properly. First off, I bidded for Japanese 1, a basic course in Japanese. Little did I realise that it would require 7 hours of lessons per week (2-2-2-1). Yay for me! In another words, as a Science student, I have to squeeze my tutorials in between some odd timing. (FYI, I have a 7 hour straight laboratory class every week too) And guess what, my lecturer told everyone of us that the first 10 mins of each 2-hour tutorial would be a test, so if I'm late, no marks for me. Bad for me too because I have a feeling I have to put one of the timeslots during a 8-10am slot. Puh...
Second, did I mention before that I wasn't prepared to start off this new semester? Anyway, yeah, so I didn't really bother to pay attention to what my lecturer had to say. Analytical Chemistry, a core module I have to take. On Monday, she told every one of us that tutorial bidding would begin on the next day. And, yes, I didn't pay attention to that. I just went to register for it on Thursday, and there was only 1 slot that was available for me... the down side to that class is that I'll have to wait for 6 hours for the next lesson...
What else? Mechanical pencil has completely broke (embarrassing myself trying to fix it next to this girl beside who is like wondering at all the funny actions I'm trying to do), I lost my concession public transport pass, umm... failed my first test of the semester, and there's no sign of the rain ever letting up. Starting to feel distant from my online friends (all except Reinhardt and Silverfox5213). A loved one was just admitted to hospital on Tuesday for observation too.
But... NOOOOOOOOooooo!!!! I'm not trying letting all of these get me down. No way nuh-uh, NEV-AH :p (*turns around* You better stay the hell away from me you... you bad luck invisible-thingy you)
Yeah, my positivity isn't going to last very long if this keeps up. This isn't the first time that when bad things (empahasises on the plural) happen, they rush in like they assume I'm immune to it or something. Right now, I'm super 'sian' (think taking a bit of disappointment, boredom and depression of each and putting them together). I'm so tempted to 'sa jiao' (think whining in a bitching sort of way) but I won't... must keep sane >_>.
Well, ending on a good note,
1) a tiger (3rd one now) has arrived and NCH asked me to keep it. :D
2) an 1985 classic Intex orca was given to me by my M'sian other online brother Fox (same fella I mentioned above)... thank you so much once again *glomps*. Can't thank you enough really. :DD
3) A Merek dragon has arrived in Singapore and is now in his possession. :DDD
Well, hmm.. yeah... *smugs*
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Feelings now
For starters, it's been quite a relief that December 2005 is over given the hectic schedule that I posted 2 entries before. So... more time to blog, Yay! :P
Secondly, as I write this, I have somewhat officially left TDF. I would like to think that a lot of people was concerned for me when I left that place. But I won't post the reasons here why I left TDF though since I do know that some people reading this do come from TDF themselves. Nevertheless, I do still keep in contact with most of them via MSN/Yahoo Messenger.
Thirdly, as for making more friends in terms of church/cell group wise, I suppose December 2005 was quite helpful for me. There were 3 major events: Tanglin Halt Camp, Youth Camp and Christmas service. In regards to the Tanglin Halt camp and the youth camp, I decided to come out of my shell I've been hiding in for 5 years and mingle around with other people from church. I got to know more people and also felt like I've been an encouragement to those that attended those 2 camps. From the Youth Camp, I suppose my relationship with God has been taken to another level. The camp in particular help me learn to take risks, especially in terms of prayer. As for the Christmas service, I was put in publicity and worked with Guorong and Xinyi from M'kk closely. I guess through the experience, I had gotten to know 2 more ppl from my cell group better.
But, more importantly, I guess these 3 events helped me change my whole perspective about my role as a Christian in the body of Christ. That indeed I too can play as big a role as I when I was back in TDF, it was just a matter of making that choice. Hmm... as for the previous issue of finding security in a non-Christian environment or otherwise, I don't think I've resolved that yet. The whole spontaneity issue come to play again. Right now, there's no preference who I'd rather be with. I welcome every friend with open arms.
Next up is something I want to get off my chest. Last month marked the 1 year anniversary since NCH and I got to know each other. We've done some stuff together, mostly related to our common hobby of collecting inflatables. And when he was about to enlist, I was simply just being there for him to give him support and stuff. Then this SMS came in on my handphone 26 Dec 2005 23:52:13
"Smyle, I just really want to tell you that you are my only closest friend to know...(cut short)" Honestly, I was stunned speechless after I received that. Personally, I didn't feel like I had done a lot for him. I guess after this, I've realized the power of friendship once again. One that I lost my belief in when I was much younger.
Lastly, I caught Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe. I really enjoyed the show. But there's one character in the movie I want to point out - Susan. As the story develops, Susan's character is shown to be one that is not a risk taker, instead she pretty much relies on circumstances and consequences around her that affects her decision. Although that may not necessarily be a bad thing altogether, it impairs her totally when called forth to make a major decision. My eyes were affixed on her character, simply because I see so much of myself in her. And I think I'd do exactly the same things as her just because there's too much risks in front of me, to the point of discouraging someone who wants to press on further (cf Peter). I'd be safe in making that decision, but I'd miss out on an adventure of a lifetime.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it'd be better for me to work in a group. I guess sometimes, I will need that someone who will encourage me to continue in whatever that I'm doing, especially when it seems like the road ahead of me is unknown or filled with obstacles.
Strangely enough, this isn't the first time I've asked myself this question. I started it ever since I started watching Digimon Adventure (Season 1). Yamato (or Matt... >_>) had the same character/problems, while Taichi (Tai) was the one who had courage to press on despite the bleak road in front of him.
Wow... long post huh? Thanks for reading whoever you are. Yeah... these are some of my thoughts now.
Secondly, as I write this, I have somewhat officially left TDF. I would like to think that a lot of people was concerned for me when I left that place. But I won't post the reasons here why I left TDF though since I do know that some people reading this do come from TDF themselves. Nevertheless, I do still keep in contact with most of them via MSN/Yahoo Messenger.
Thirdly, as for making more friends in terms of church/cell group wise, I suppose December 2005 was quite helpful for me. There were 3 major events: Tanglin Halt Camp, Youth Camp and Christmas service. In regards to the Tanglin Halt camp and the youth camp, I decided to come out of my shell I've been hiding in for 5 years and mingle around with other people from church. I got to know more people and also felt like I've been an encouragement to those that attended those 2 camps. From the Youth Camp, I suppose my relationship with God has been taken to another level. The camp in particular help me learn to take risks, especially in terms of prayer. As for the Christmas service, I was put in publicity and worked with Guorong and Xinyi from M'kk closely. I guess through the experience, I had gotten to know 2 more ppl from my cell group better.
But, more importantly, I guess these 3 events helped me change my whole perspective about my role as a Christian in the body of Christ. That indeed I too can play as big a role as I when I was back in TDF, it was just a matter of making that choice. Hmm... as for the previous issue of finding security in a non-Christian environment or otherwise, I don't think I've resolved that yet. The whole spontaneity issue come to play again. Right now, there's no preference who I'd rather be with. I welcome every friend with open arms.
Next up is something I want to get off my chest. Last month marked the 1 year anniversary since NCH and I got to know each other. We've done some stuff together, mostly related to our common hobby of collecting inflatables. And when he was about to enlist, I was simply just being there for him to give him support and stuff. Then this SMS came in on my handphone 26 Dec 2005 23:52:13
"Smyle, I just really want to tell you that you are my only closest friend to know...(cut short)" Honestly, I was stunned speechless after I received that. Personally, I didn't feel like I had done a lot for him. I guess after this, I've realized the power of friendship once again. One that I lost my belief in when I was much younger.
Lastly, I caught Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe. I really enjoyed the show. But there's one character in the movie I want to point out - Susan. As the story develops, Susan's character is shown to be one that is not a risk taker, instead she pretty much relies on circumstances and consequences around her that affects her decision. Although that may not necessarily be a bad thing altogether, it impairs her totally when called forth to make a major decision. My eyes were affixed on her character, simply because I see so much of myself in her. And I think I'd do exactly the same things as her just because there's too much risks in front of me, to the point of discouraging someone who wants to press on further (cf Peter). I'd be safe in making that decision, but I'd miss out on an adventure of a lifetime.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that it'd be better for me to work in a group. I guess sometimes, I will need that someone who will encourage me to continue in whatever that I'm doing, especially when it seems like the road ahead of me is unknown or filled with obstacles.
Strangely enough, this isn't the first time I've asked myself this question. I started it ever since I started watching Digimon Adventure (Season 1). Yamato (or Matt... >_>) had the same character/problems, while Taichi (Tai) was the one who had courage to press on despite the bleak road in front of him.
Wow... long post huh? Thanks for reading whoever you are. Yeah... these are some of my thoughts now.
Feelings then (back on 6/10/2005)... bit messy
*sigh* I can't believe I started thinking on those heart issues again. As a C person I'm not supposed to think so much. I should have put a sock in it when I started to talk to Grace about CG and stuff. It had me think about what I treasure and where my priorities are. Then, she went on and asked the ultimate question: How's my spiritual walk?
That's it man... think think think.
This is what I came up with:
I didn't realise how much inflatables really took up in my life and not so much God. I mean previously, I was constantly walking into walls as I tried to explain to others about my hobby. But, during the end of JC, I finally made up my mind to start to open up to the Yahoo groups. And look where it led me: TDF(Toy Dragon Forum) and the ppl in there. Everyday after school, I would get back home and go on MSN, guess what, the only ppl that talked to me everyday are the TDF-ers. At least one will strike up a chat without fail.
Maybe, it's the availability of MSN and the Internet that somehow have made me have easy access to my inflatable friends. And since my Christian friends have me on MSN too and they don't initiate conversations, I don't seem to bother too. Christian friends! By right, I should be talking with them more often, after all it's supposed to be more healthy! *shrugs* Oh well, I can't really blame them though, the M'kk ppl don't use MSN often. Yeah... messed up.
It's kinda weird too, but grateful. All this time, God has been looking out for me, showing me stuff and revealing more of Himself to me. So in a sense, I don't think I feel my walk with God has been compromised. The basics are still there, I still love Him (I really do, *wants to give Him hugs at times ^^*), I try not to sin and let him down, and he's been speaking to me and stuff, but I do sense He wants more from me. Ironically, he has given me so much motivation to press in further, but I'm not grabbing it. I think it's just me. What's wrong with me?! I've got a good thing going for me and I'm just not grabbing it.
During my conversation with Grace, I finally realised why I was so hesistant about committing to CG. I didn't feel committed because there was no genuine concern. I mean, reflecting from what I said above, it's true that each time I came home, there was always somebody to talk to. I gave a bit, and got back a lot in return, both tangible and intangible. There's the same sense of reciprocation there from that time I went to join Science Orientation Week. Interaction. Heh... it's funny. Heck, I don't even know whether these guys are genuine since I have yet to meet them in real life. Ironically, I'm willing to give up my time and energy for them.
I told Grace that I was only started to open to my own cell group M'kkadesh about my life, and adding one more CG is a lot to handle. Before that, my whole 17 years as a Christian, I wasn't really thinking about it that much about having to be accountable to others. In fact, I would say all these while, I haven't found anybody to be accountable to Christian wise. And guess what, here I am being accountable to this forum, most of them non-Christians. Messed up? I don't know.
After thinking about it, I realised another thing about myself. When I meet a new group of ppl, I try to open up. If I feel ignored, I don't think about it too much and just 'go on with my life', and play by ear for the rest of my time I will know them for. It just ends there. I don't bother to actually ask people how they're doing, or show care to be more exact, anymore. The TDF-ers have really given me a reason to be online every single time I'm free, even a simple hi will do since I know they're busy, yet still fully aware that I'll have a good conversation with them in the near future.
Perhaps on a more selfish note, I really think I need to be pushed along in a friend manner. After more reflection, I realized that I've been doing it all along, even through the way I lead. Yes, they are many occasions where I don't get back anything in return, but it's ok, at least I've tried. Again back to the TDF-ers, it's probably because of them that have caused my knowledge and amount of inflatables to keep growing, and also because I see them at every available chance I get. Perhaps, if my Christian peers could have given me something similar, the constant push and prodding, just maybe I would learn to look forward to knowing God even more.
Ultimately, I think it's messed up that I started off being close to what others brand as 'wrong people' since not all of them are Christians to begin with. I really do not want to impose on anyone. I know I didn't impose anything on the TDF-ers, but they just gave me back so much. That is what makes me think their care and concern is genuine. I feel a sense of belonging there compared to any Christian community I've come across.
I also figured, I guess that too is probably an excuse why I haven't been leading anyone to Christ. Time and again, I've heard stories of ppl leaving church because they don't feel belonged. I don't want the new Christian to be left like a fish out of water and nobody to guide them CONSTANTLY, and I don't want to be the only person doing it either.
That's it man... think think think.
This is what I came up with:
I didn't realise how much inflatables really took up in my life and not so much God. I mean previously, I was constantly walking into walls as I tried to explain to others about my hobby. But, during the end of JC, I finally made up my mind to start to open up to the Yahoo groups. And look where it led me: TDF(Toy Dragon Forum) and the ppl in there. Everyday after school, I would get back home and go on MSN, guess what, the only ppl that talked to me everyday are the TDF-ers. At least one will strike up a chat without fail.
Maybe, it's the availability of MSN and the Internet that somehow have made me have easy access to my inflatable friends. And since my Christian friends have me on MSN too and they don't initiate conversations, I don't seem to bother too. Christian friends! By right, I should be talking with them more often, after all it's supposed to be more healthy! *shrugs* Oh well, I can't really blame them though, the M'kk ppl don't use MSN often. Yeah... messed up.
It's kinda weird too, but grateful. All this time, God has been looking out for me, showing me stuff and revealing more of Himself to me. So in a sense, I don't think I feel my walk with God has been compromised. The basics are still there, I still love Him (I really do, *wants to give Him hugs at times ^^*), I try not to sin and let him down, and he's been speaking to me and stuff, but I do sense He wants more from me. Ironically, he has given me so much motivation to press in further, but I'm not grabbing it. I think it's just me. What's wrong with me?! I've got a good thing going for me and I'm just not grabbing it.
During my conversation with Grace, I finally realised why I was so hesistant about committing to CG. I didn't feel committed because there was no genuine concern. I mean, reflecting from what I said above, it's true that each time I came home, there was always somebody to talk to. I gave a bit, and got back a lot in return, both tangible and intangible. There's the same sense of reciprocation there from that time I went to join Science Orientation Week. Interaction. Heh... it's funny. Heck, I don't even know whether these guys are genuine since I have yet to meet them in real life. Ironically, I'm willing to give up my time and energy for them.
I told Grace that I was only started to open to my own cell group M'kkadesh about my life, and adding one more CG is a lot to handle. Before that, my whole 17 years as a Christian, I wasn't really thinking about it that much about having to be accountable to others. In fact, I would say all these while, I haven't found anybody to be accountable to Christian wise. And guess what, here I am being accountable to this forum, most of them non-Christians. Messed up? I don't know.
After thinking about it, I realised another thing about myself. When I meet a new group of ppl, I try to open up. If I feel ignored, I don't think about it too much and just 'go on with my life', and play by ear for the rest of my time I will know them for. It just ends there. I don't bother to actually ask people how they're doing, or show care to be more exact, anymore. The TDF-ers have really given me a reason to be online every single time I'm free, even a simple hi will do since I know they're busy, yet still fully aware that I'll have a good conversation with them in the near future.
Perhaps on a more selfish note, I really think I need to be pushed along in a friend manner. After more reflection, I realized that I've been doing it all along, even through the way I lead. Yes, they are many occasions where I don't get back anything in return, but it's ok, at least I've tried. Again back to the TDF-ers, it's probably because of them that have caused my knowledge and amount of inflatables to keep growing, and also because I see them at every available chance I get. Perhaps, if my Christian peers could have given me something similar, the constant push and prodding, just maybe I would learn to look forward to knowing God even more.
Ultimately, I think it's messed up that I started off being close to what others brand as 'wrong people' since not all of them are Christians to begin with. I really do not want to impose on anyone. I know I didn't impose anything on the TDF-ers, but they just gave me back so much. That is what makes me think their care and concern is genuine. I feel a sense of belonging there compared to any Christian community I've come across.
I also figured, I guess that too is probably an excuse why I haven't been leading anyone to Christ. Time and again, I've heard stories of ppl leaving church because they don't feel belonged. I don't want the new Christian to be left like a fish out of water and nobody to guide them CONSTANTLY, and I don't want to be the only person doing it either.
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